When someone you know or love tells you that they have been raped, sexually assaulted, or that they have experienced childhood sexual abuse as children, it can be a bit of a shock, but it also can be quite frightening.
It’s not uncommon for someone to think that they can’t support the survivor, they don’t have the training, or they’re not a counsellor. As a relative or friend, you may be in a very good place to offer support because you are there, in the survivor’s close circle, and may be part of the survivor’s day to day life.
In her book, ‘Trauma and Recovery’, Dr Judith Herman writes;
“When the events are natural disasters or ‘Acts of God’, those who bear witness sympathise readily with the victim. But when the traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in the conflict between the victim and the perpetrator. It is morally impossible to remain neutral in this conflict. The bystander is forced to take sides. It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”
Although Herman, in her book, states that “the victim demands action” in fact, the action from us that she most commonly needs is someone who is there for her, who will listen to her, believe her, be patient with her and support her.
You might be afraid that you will say something that will hurt or offend the survivor, but don’t worry, because you don’t have to be an expert. Here are some responses that might help.
Try to
Ask what you can do: When someone you care about has had a traumatic experience, it’s human nature to want to ‘fix it’ for her, to take charge of the situation. This can be really overwhelming for the survivor who has been in a situation where she’s had no control and has been rendered powerless.
By simply asking her what you can do to support her, you are letting her take control and make the decision about what she wants.
She might just want you to be there for her, to listen if she wants to talk, to go with her if she wants to report to the police, or other appointments she might have. So rather than assuming you know what she needs, just ask what she wants.
Try to avoid
Questioning vs interrogating: It’s difficult to decide to speak to someone about sexual violence or abuse so if your relative or friend has confided in you, it’s important to let her disclose at her own pace, and to give out as much information as she wants. Intrusive questions may result in her closing down and being silenced.
Ask yourself, “what do I need to know, and what do I want to know?” and you will realise that there is very little you need to know (if you’re not investigating a crime or treating an injury) and what you want to know is just your own curiosity at work.
Let her tell you what she wants when she wants.
Try to
Believe her: Sometimes when a woman discloses that she’s experienced sexual violence or abuse, it can be hard to accept that it has happened. It can be even more difficult to understand if it’s someone you know. In fact, women rarely make false allegations about sexual violence, and it’s more likely that she will not speak out about the abuse to anyone. If a woman is speaking out for the first time, it’s crucial that she is believed and listened to as this can be hugely influential on whether she will speak to anyone else about the abuse in the future.
Everyone experiences and responds to sexual violence and abuse differently during and afterwards. Your relative or friend might be distressed and weeping, she may be angry, jumpy, anxious, confused, or she might be calm, collected, or she might look as though she’s in a trance. Survivors experience all these reactions after a rape or sexual assault. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to look or behave.
Try to avoid
Making decisions: Sexual violence and abuse robs a woman of any measure of control so that she often feels overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. Therefore, it’s important at this time, to make sure no-one is making decisions for her, or telling her she ‘must’ do something.
Survivors are often forced to make decisions they are not comfortable with, such as reporting an incident to their workplace, college, university, or reporting to police when she’s not ready.
Being able to feel that she is in control can help the woman at this time and one of the most important aspects of that is to decide who she speaks out to about the violence or abuse.
Try to
Listen to her: If you’re supporting someone you love, or someone you’re very close to, it can be hard to hear about what has happened to her. What you hear might be disjointed, may not make sense, or her story might be inconsistent. This is because of the way the brain works when someone is experiencing that trauma.
There’s a helpful short animation that was made by NHS Lanarkshire, which might help you understand what’s happening with your relative or friend. It’s only 8 minutes long and you can find a copy of it at Trauma and the Brain – YouTube
Try to avoid
Discuss her with others: When your relative or friend takes you into her confidence, she is trusting you to keep that information and knowledge to yourself. It can be difficult to carry the knowledge that someone you care about has had such an awful experience and you may need to speak to someone else to help you cope with it.
But it’s her story, and not yours to tell.
So rather than speak to others who may also know the survivor, you can use your local support service, or rape crisis helpline for support. You don’t have to give your own name or address, nor do you have to give any details about the woman. Everything you say will be held in confidence by them (unless there are any concerns about safeguarding), and you can get the support you need, to support your relative or friend.
Try to
Recognise her courage: It can be very difficult for a woman to speak out and talk about a traumatic incident (or incidents) in her life. The woman might feel ashamed of what has happened (remember, it’s a violation of her most intimate space), she may feel disgusted, and might find it hard to say certain things, or even describe the attack or abuse. You can tell her that you know it’s been difficult for her to speak to you and that you believe her and understand how much courage it took to speak out.
Using phrases such as “I know how hard it must be to tell me about this but you can be assured I will keep it confidential” and “It sounds as though you’ve been through a really difficult time, tell me how I can help you” can be useful and let her know you are there for her. You’re also letting her know that you will respond in a way that she feels comfortable with, not in a way that you’ve decided to respond.
It’s important that the woman has control over what’s happening to her now.
Try to avoid
Make judgements: We live in a victim blaming society with social media making it much easier to blame and shame and be judgemental. Sexual violence survivors are often judged and criticised about their looks, clothes, demeanour, or what they did during, or in the aftermath of the attack. It’s important to avoid questions or statements that suggest the woman was in any way inviting or responsible for the abuse. Questions like:
“Didn’t you fight back?”
“Had you been drinking?”
“Why didn’t you scream out for help?”
“Why did you let him into your flat?”
“Why on earth did you share a cab with him?”
“How did you get yourself into that situation?”
“Why didn’t you go to the police right away. If it was really serious, you’d get the police.”
When a woman hears these questions, she may close down completely and refuse to seek out any support in the future.
Women often ask themselves these questions, but the truth is that everyone will react differently at the point of their attack or abuse and their body is reacting in that way because it only has one priority, to ensure her survival.
Try to
Be patient: There’s no specific time when a survivor should be ‘over it’ or recovered in some way. Nor is there a right way to react in the immediate aftermath, or in the longer term. Each woman has a different experience, so if your relative or friend is still struggling after what she feels is a long time, she may want to think about some more structured or trauma specialist support. Knowing about local support services or rape crisis centres may help her decide if or when the time is right for her.
Try to avoid
Establish boundaries: It’s important to be there for your relative or friend but it’s also important for you to look after yourself. You can be supportive by feeling well enough and strong enough to support her when she needs it, which can be difficult to maintain if you are on call 24 hours a day.
Your relative or friend may be able to speak to a counsellor or rape crisis worker, or perhaps get support from another family member or friend.
Listening, not just hearing
Listening and hearing are two different actions. We may hear what is going on around us all the time but most of it will be filtered out because we don’t need it. Hearing is something that happens to us. Listening is something we actively do. And listening can be pretty hard. In our usual everyday conversations, we very rarely actively listen to someone. We often half listen while some of our attention is elsewhere, interrupt to ask questions or give an opinion, and often we steer the conversation around to ourselves when we begin to describe a similar experience we have had in the past. This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just normal communication.
Actively listening to someone you’re supporting is quite different and is exactly what it says – it’s being present for the speaker, listening solely to her, and hearing exactly what she is saying. When you are actively listening, you not only hear, but you also see. You become more aware of body language, perhaps recognising the other’s anxiety, noticing her being oversensitive to noise, seeing her being careful of areas of the body which might have injuries. Active listening can give you the chance to give your relative or friend information about local resources if she needs additional support or medical advice.
Although as someone who is supporting a survivor, we should try to avoid telling her what to do, if she is hurt or injured in some way, we should focus on persuading her to seek medical attention as soon as possible.
Useful Contacts
Sycamore Centre (Sexual Assault Referral Centre in Edinburgh)
Rape Crisis Scotland National Helpline
Open every day of the year between 5 pm and midnight. Contact them on 08088 01 03 02.
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Contact them on 0800 027 1234
